My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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