Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
