I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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