He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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