so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
