my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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