omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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