friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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