It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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