Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
