I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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