Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
