His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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