If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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