i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
