Can i not drive my cunt home
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
