I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
