Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
