guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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