Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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