he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
