Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just forgot I was standing up.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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