do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
