When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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