you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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