if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
