Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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