I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
