pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
