remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
