just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
