I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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