I have demons in me.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
