the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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