3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
