:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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