This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
