i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
