please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
