How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
