My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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