If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
