What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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