i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
