so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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