You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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