I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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