Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Pants are for mortals
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
