Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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