Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize