Sry I called you an 8
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
