We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
