So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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