I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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