my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
