Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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