How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
