I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
