Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
