I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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