he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
