I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
